Let It Happen
by HidingInACorner
Summary: SONGFIC! Laughter is a necessity of life. Without it, reality slowly overtakes your mind. You no longer see the good in the world, and you no longer want to. Alex knows this from firsthand experience.


AN: Yay! It's been forever since I've written something so I hope this isn't completely terrible. And it's my first time writing in this fandom so feedback would be wonderful. Really. Tell me the truth about what you think about the story. So here Alex is sixteen and living by himself. He still goes to Brooklyn but he and Tom are no longer friends. MI6 is still using Alex but he isn't recognized as an agent.

Disclaimer: I never have nor will I ever own Alex Rider. He belongs to some guy named Anthony Horowitz.

_I have a ringing in my head And no one to help me answer it_

There's nobody here. But there never is. I'm always alone- my thoughts are the only thing keeping me company. My 'new' life depends on it. Being a bloody spy requires that I remain entrenched in my thoughts. I have to think constantly- knowing immediately when something is wrong is the difference between life and death in my line of work. But I never wanted it. I never wanted to know how to dodge bullets and scale walls. I never wanted to face death. I never wanted to kill. I never wanted to be separated from all my friends. Their lives seem so simple. Mine is just perilous.

_Every minute is arranged Every moment lasts a day But thinking about it can't help me let go, I know._

The memories keep playing in my head and I can't make it stop. Flashes of dead hostages and brutal gun fights are the only thing I remember. The memories never seem to stop. Ever. But I can pretend to be fine during the day. I can act normal; after all, lying is one of my strong suits. The night, however, is what gives me away. All my demons reappear in the darkness, and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I knew Jack worried about me, but she never said anything when she found me screaming and thrashing in my bed. She would hold me until I fell asleep again and forget about my breakdown in the morning. Everything would be normal again.

But now, the only thing I dream about is Jack's death. Apparently, she was a liability. So now I just don't sleep. But I can't keep it up. I know that I'm slowly going insane. And attending lessons while I'm like this just makes me the topic of even more conversations. School was bearable after I came back from missions, but no one believed my excuses. They all thought that I was in some sort of gang and left me alone. But now, after they saw me having a nightmare when I fell asleep during maths, they think I'm an easy target.

_Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk God I love how it's somehow all on me All the petty scenes And all the pretty things Say whatever you want 'Cause I can laugh it off. I can laugh it off._

My school mates must think that I am absolutely insane. I guess they never saw someone laugh when they surrounded a sickly looking _Alex Rider_ and promised to cause some serious bodily harm. As if they could hurt me. As if they could get away with it. I would kick their asses before they even came close to touching me. But, I'm always being watched, and I know what punishment I would receive from Blunt and Jones if I were to defend myself against schoolyard bullies. It would not be pleasant. I learned that lesson a long time ago. So now, when I faced a situation such as this, I did the only thing that would both protect me and protect the jackasses trying to hurt me: I ran. I ran so far away, well that's what it felt like. In reality, it was only a mile or so. But while I was running, I was free. I was free from the manipulations from the goddamn government, the torment of my old 'friends', and the agony of reliving my memories.

_I must look like I'm running away To you at your faster pace I wonder what it is you could have seen, in me._

Everything I did was for the greater good. Blunt believed that the safety of England was the first and foremost. The benefits of my actions greatly outweighed the consequences. _All _of the consequences, even my own sanity. I never knew what made me seem so special. Ian may have taught me foreign languages, mountain biking, whitewater rafting, scuba diving, and pick-pocketing, but I never had the mind to be a great spy. I didn't have the passion necessary to serve my country. I never thought I was good enough. And that was my downfall.

_I'm the evil one who said. Gonna let everything just happen Just like my chest, my ears are proud The collision is such an ugly sound._

I'm just a child. A fucking sixteen year-old _boy_. Why does the world always seem to rest on my shoulders? What did I do to deserve it? What makes me so goddamn special? I wonder if my superiors know how this job is affecting me. You would think that they'd have to know, but they can be incredibly dense when it comes to the emotions of a child. After all, they live in a world where children overlooked. Children are unimportant. Children get killed.

_I can hear you now Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk Gotta love how it's somehow all on me All the petty scenes And all the pretty things Say whatever you want 'Cause I can laugh it off._

The smile I continuously wear seems to be plastered to my face. I can't take it off. I have to pretend to be a regular English schoolboy. My true emotions are buried so deep inside me I don't know whether or not I'll ever be able to access them. But I want to. Oh God I want to. But it's against the fucking rules. So instead I hope that my ex-best friend notices my screaming eyes and helps me. I need him to help me. I need somebody to care. Somebody has to notice. But that will never happen, and I know it, but the hope is still there, and that's what is keeping me alive. Literally. But until that defining moment comes when I am no longer able to pretend, I can still hope. I can still laugh it off.

_Talk, talking a lot, but it's still talk Gotta love how it's somehow all on me And all the placings And all the pretty things Say whatever you want 'Cause I can laugh it off. I can laugh it off._

Let It Happen- Jimmy Eat World

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